Entering The Valley Of Lost Souls

"He will bring them death - and they will love him for it."
- Ancient prophesy

Running away has a price - a very high price, costing you everything - and everyone - you love. It does not matter how justified you thought that running away might have been, it only matters that you did. It leaves a constant grieving in the heart and a trail of shattered objects never to be whole again. With these things preying on your mind, it's easy for your decisions to forsake you further and lead you astray. This is how you find yourself entering the Valley Of Lost Souls.

I'd been wandering for years, marked and scarred by my homelessness. So it did not surprise me to see the sight I saw, of a hangman's noose holding a lifeless body from a tree limb. Such was the sorrow in the earth beneath my feet. Normally I'd have wondered who had hanged him and why. But in this case I knew the man had done it himself. The feeling only increased as a drew nearer.

And then I noticed the rope. Only it was not a rope but barbed wire. What twisted reasoning had brought this soul to this useless demise? I sat on the brown grass and cried. As my tears reached the ground a flower sprouted. As I looked around it was the only flower to be seen. I needed provisions. A runner is one whose choices whittle away and that's how I found myself dipping down into the forest's fog.

My human instincts would not serve me here. I rushed to the sound of a man screaming. When I found him he was sawing on the lower part of his leg.

"Why are you doing that? What's wrong with your leg?"

"Gangrene means the leg must come off."

"Is that what you have, gangrene?"

"No, but the act is the same so it cannot be denied."

"Then why even do it?" I felt as if I'd been drafted as an unwitting character in a play, not knowing my lines had already been scripted.

"Because I have begun! I'd be a fool to stop now!"

"You'd be a fool to continue! Stop now and the wound still has a chance of healing."

"It's too late! All you bleeding hearts are the same, always trying to save the world. I hate you!"

"Do you love yourself?"

"But of course!"

"Then hate from you is a good thing."

"Bastard! I will not be a fool who changes course. I am a man of courage and principle. My loyalty cannot be doubted!"

He went on blathering but I stopped listening. The mention of loyalty I thought odd but I was already learning to block my natural curiosity in this foul land. Get in, get out, resume my wandering. But something told me it wouldn't be so simple. When I heard another frail voice I was still drawn to listen.

"Oh, curse the sky above and the God who made it! What a hell has been made for us. If only the sky weren't blue!"

"But the sky is blue. How is that a source of sorrow?"

"It is for me, my enemy. I claimed it to be mauve. Thousands believed me and followed my word. I was a god among men, riches handed to me in the name of God. Then it all fell away. Hell is this planet!"

"What happened? Everyone found it out to be blue and they turned on you?"

"No, another came along and claimed it fuchsia. His conviction was greater than mine and I was defrocked. Having believed myself a god I opened my eyes to see the sky blue thus making my words hollow. But just think! Were it mauve I'd be revered and loved like none other! Oh, damn this universe we live in!"

As I continued on I remembered the defrocked man's face on an Unwanted poster. In this desperate country the fervor to reject is as great as the fervor to worship. Woe be to he who accepts the invitation to be god of the day. At the edge of the valley village I noticed Saw Man leaning on a crutch talking with a group of friends whose limbs were also missing. Shit, he wasn't kidding about the loyalty part! Above them a pink sign lettered "RNC".

The air became more intense, more suspicious, more deranged, the further I entered. I could hear the whispers. Who does he think he is? Sanity is death! He must not be allowed to live. Could I fake my way through? Could I trumpet my own idiocy with their same conviction? I began to wonder. One thing is for sure, things were reaching a boiling point and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time - again.

An air raid siren sounded acting as a clarion call to the faithful. A loudspeaker made the grave but enthusiastic announcement: "Time has come for Final Solution. All hope is lost! No more tolerance! No more suffering the menace of our enemies! Our will be done!" Fanatic cheers and rampages with angry eyes erupted like a long simmering volcano finally releasing its doom. No one noticed nor cared I even existed. I had not a chance were it otherwise in the face of this red-faced mob.

Just found out they've been voting against
their economic interests for decades

Liberals bound and chained were dragged from prison cells and into the streets. Never had I seen such rage as I did when I heard the scolding from the lost souls. "First you imprisoned us with your words of truth so we imprisoned you. Never once did you think what it meant for us, so no longer will we think of you! Time has come for you to share our fate! See how much better you think you are now! HAHAHAHA!"

To a soul, every last one entered a large ship on the river to the Great Falls, a thousand foot drop straight onto rocks. I could hear the liberals still trying to reason even as the loudspeaker said all hope was gone. "But you will die along with us. Don't you want to live?"

"Live? There's no living here! It's pointless! We've tried everything outside of love and there's nothing to be found. No way we're leaving you behind to badmouth and mock us. Nothing can save you. It is we who rule the world. It has always been this way and will remain this way until the very end! HAHAHAHAHA!"

I rushed to the river's edge as they steamed away heading for certain death. Would they really do it? The ship was gaining too much momentum to stop even if it wanted to. But as it fell over the edge I saw the most miraculous thing: a host of angels descended gathering up each and every liberal and carrying them away to safety. The lost souls wailed in fury.

"We are the saved ones! You're supposed to save us! This isn't fair! You're changing the rules. This was supposed to be our one final win! Oh, damn you, God!"

I watched as the ship shattered to pieces, no survivors, betrayed by everything they'd hoped to save them, true justice before my very eyes. I heard the voice of a liberal looking up as an angel carried him away to God knows where.

"About goddam time!"

CODA: I wandered back to the abandoned village, stocking up to me heart's content on the provisions I needed from the empty stores. I thought myself clever until, suddenly, I slumped to the dirt and pondered, "What the hell for?"

Tommy Maroney Is A Dead Wiseguy Now

Every day is a fight for survival for me. In the shadow of your laughter stream my tears. I know who you are but you do not - nor will you know in my lifetime. My pleas are like snowflakes falling on hot pavement, evaporating without impact. The world has made up its mind to die. The rest is mere theatrics. The people applaud a good show. Will they applaud their final fate?

A man once said public safety can only be done through democracy, equality and building a society of rights. In these times he's a heretic but in the aftermath will be considered a sage among savages. But for now we live in a world of roaming beasts, attacking without thought, blind, deluded and desperate. Want to keep your life? You came to the wrong planet. All who enter must give it away or perish.

And so I struggle along, waiting for society's gun against my head to go off, hearing fools lie claiming "that's just life". Life is nothing of the sort. Life does not exist apart from freedom. Life does not exist outside of the truth. We may all be alive, but not all of us have a life. It's that living life we need to preserve. Only there is meaning to be found.

Emily is my cat sitter. I don't trust just anyone with my cat. In fact, I would very confidently say I can pick out a better cat sitter for me than most people can a mate. But like most people she has a duality to her and her husband lives in the crime underworld. That means part of her does too. If she had to choose between cats and crime I know - for now - she'd choose cats. If she changed her mind on that I'd change my mind on her.

Tommy, her husband, was a lieutenant in whatever organization he was in. I saw him only once and we mixed like oil and water even though hardly a word passed between us. Each recognized in the other an enemy found. We both (correctly) had the thought, "There's no living with that guy." Tommy was everything I'd dreaded he'd be: dark and at war with himself. That's what made him dangerous.

Don't kid yourself. Crime figures are nothing like in a Scorsese movie, killing people to a classic rock soundtrack while leading a self-satisfied life beyond that of "the suckers". Reality is it's those guys who are the suckers, perpetually seeking approval from society at large. Were their masks to be ripped off you'd see pathetic children holding out their arms in unrequited love. They think killing those who don't give it to them makes up for being a loser. Eh, fuggedaboutit.

The rationale they give is the "legitimate" world is just as bent as they are. No argument from me on that. But no quarter given either. That illegitimate life is on you, pal. Quit your whining. And I certainly sensed that same desperation and fear in Tommy even in the small whiff I got of him - the smell was that strong. That man was a train wreck waiting to happen. I had a feeling Emily was his enabler but comes a point where nothing and no one can help you no matter what.

Boy, do I know that.

I should have listened to my little voice but I was of two minds. On one hand I have a policy of never involving myself no matter how tangentially with people I have to babysit. Tommy certainly fit into that category. On the other, it's tiring playing musical chairs looking for perfection. So I gave Emily a pass and besides, I liked her. I once asked her a question I saw posed in a movie. "If a building was on fire and you had to choose between a Rembrandt or a cat which would you save?" She was instantaneous in her response, "Oh, the cat, of course." I could have kissed her!

I was also struck by another phrase Emily used. We were lightheartedly commiserating on our woes when she said, "I'm just a God away from happiness." Had to laugh at that one! Didn't think she had that sort of depth in her then she told me that's a phrase her husband often uses. Fuck, she got it from him. Well, maybe there was more to him than I thought.

I've been stuck in a galley slave's rut for so long I can barely see the point of getting up. Each dawn I die. It is this hell that is the beating heart of this planet. Rejoice when it finally dies. So I'm not playing with a whole lot of room for error. Leaving town pushes me right to the edge. My life hangs by a thread already and my nerves are beyond frayed. A wretched creature I be. And I know full well the universe likes to hit you where it hurts the most.

I just about lost it when Emily told me to meet her at her husband's restaurant bar when I got back in. Simone, my cat, was loose there. Rage was boiling over - both with myself and with her. Never trust the goddam universe! When I showed up what did I hear but "I'm gonna kill that fucking cat!" Somehow Emily and her dickhead husband had gotten into an argument and he was using Simone as leverage against her. Asshole thinks he can do just anything!

I was able to coax Simone into her cage and was calming her down when Emily begged a (useless) forgiveness. Then she left in tears. Tommy, however, decided to blame all the ills of his life on me. "I'm going to kill that cat." I looked up at him with hate in my eyes. "You wait and see. Don't think it's not going to happen." Then that fucker starts walking away.

"Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you do it now, motherfucker?" I had to make the calculations in a second. It was fight or die - just like the rest of my forsaken life.

"What did you say me? You know who you talking to?"

"I'm talking to a cocksucking prick you piece of shit." I knew I had to push his buttons.

"Why you - "

"Fuck you, you fucking cunt. Go run off and be your wife's bitch. Or maybe I should just write 'cocksucker' on your forehead, ya cocksucker!" To his mind there's no way I could possibly know of his dependence on Emily unless she had told me. The fires of jealousy exploded as he made his way towards me.

I can still see it all in my mind's eye. That blurry, mad face lurching towards me and I knew I'd only get one chance at this. Tommy wasn't a big guy but I was not a fighter. I had to commit myself one hundred percent. No room for self-pity or delusion. As he got close to me I throat punched him and he went down gagging. I didn't have anything specific planned after that but it came to me at that moment to karate chop the side of his neck and that just about killed him.

Uh, not that kind of lurching

That's when I took the opportunity to headlock him, squeezing out the breath until he'd never breath again. After he was dead I wanted to kill him again. I was furious at having been pushed into a corner and forced to do something against my will. And then in what I thought was a fitting bit of irony, I wrote "cocksucker" on his forehead. That would be his book of Revelation. But one thing I did feel: I had preserved life. I was still alive, after all. Then I cried clutching precious Simone's cage.

CODA: The run of thoughts that went through my mind ran the gamut that night. Had I, in fact, ended my own life? Would I be put in jail? I didn't feel that would happen but feelings don't count in a godless court of law. And what of Emily? Jesus, what had I done? I retraced the events over and over in my mind but couldn't find an alternate course of action.

I could hear the fool's arguments. I could have pretended to not notice the deadly certainty of his threat. I could have made a false truce to betray me. There were any number of phony solutions I could have chosen. I see fools choose them every day only to receive a bitter regret later that can't be undone. I'll leave that sort of behavior to voters and dilettantes. I choose Simone. I choose life.

It is also said those things done in accordance with the universe will be blessed. However pissed I was at being painted into a corner, I had to admit the wondrous and special feeling of finding that blessing to be absolutely true. Turns out, there really had been rumors of Tommy boy heading down the gay way! It's true his kind protect their own but this was like a government cover up to save scandal. To them it looked as if Tommy had been whacked out for homosexual behavior and no one wanted to be seen as protecting that. Finally, idiot politics working in my favor.

Now I must live with what I've faced. It's not an act I ever care to duplicate. Emily soon moved out of state (after thanking me for her freedom). Guess I need a new cat sitter.