The I-Hop Incident

"All action takes place, so to speak, in a kind of twilight,

which like a fog or moonlight, often tends to make things

seem grotesque and larger than they really are."

It wasn't until we were in the I-Hop parking lot that I remembered. "Damn, I forgot to bring my paper. I've got nothing to read."

Boredom is a monster who grips me in absolute fear and dread. It's infinite emptiness squeezes life from the soul like wringing water from a rag. I'm way, way beyond my quota of boredom. Hell, if I wanted boredom I'd go back to school. My companion, however, was not sympathetic.

"Oh, it's the end of the world," her sarcastic reply. But I was adamant.

"I don't care. I need something to read." I was already upset. Things have been boiling over lately. My only answer on what I wanted to eat that night was "nothing". Nothing sounded good. Just eating the same old shit over and over and over like in a prison. Irrational as it may be, I rebelled against my budgetary confinement just to feel alive.

Eating out is a big no-no, but I could not be bargained with, I could not be reasoned with. I always love omelettes so I settled on that for my evening meal. But this caused chaos within, furious arguments as to my imminent demise erupted as I descended into the fog of war. I had no defense for this outlandish spending, my criminal want of an omelette had branded me with self-treason.

"Don't they usually sell papers out front at places like these?"

"Oh, yeah." But I wasn't really in the moment. I was far off doing battle, defending my life. "Wait here."

"Don't you want to take some quarters with you?"

"No! Why would I want to do that? I don't even know if they sell papers here."

I got out of the car with her barking at me still but I closed my ears to her hopefully unjustified criticism. I'm already being criticized enough! When I got to the front of the building I could see the two newspaper boxes with papers to sell. I gave her the thumbs up as she waved me back.

Shit, I could tell she was just going to yell at me more so I wanted to make sure I was absolutely in the right. I really didn't want to make the extra hike over to the boxes but I realized I needed to know how much a paper cost.

"A fucking dollar! And it's not even Sunday." Armed with this information I returned to the other side of the building and back to the car. My foray had not impressed her.

"You really are a basket case, aren't you? Why didn't you just take enough quarters with you to buy a paper instead of walking back and forth, back and forth?"

"Well..."

"When you saw the papers, why didn't you just come back then? You still kept walking away like an idiot!"

Shit. I was an idiot. I could have just taken a couple bucks of quarters and grabbed a paper on the way in. But I'd refused. I had to refuse. I was possessed by needing to be "right", to not be seen making a mistake. I was only going to bring quarters if there were papers! And I was only going to bring the exact change after that! Those were my demands. I was feeling so wrong eating out, my fears inflated beyond all proportions.

"OK, you got your paper money. I'll be back after I run my errand. Think you can make you're way in?"

Jeez, is my sarcasm this withering when I do it to other people? Anyway, I was completely self-conscious and nervous as the waitress seated me. I half expected her to pick up where my friend left off. Oh, you want the moron booth, don't you? The state I was in I would have dutifully replied "yes" just to escape further grief.

Unwrapping the silverware from the napkin, I fumbled the fork as it dropped into the seat. Nerves, Mr. Bond. Watch your nerves! The exhortation did not help. I dropped the fork again when I took my first bite. The guilt devil made me do it.

I enjoyed the omelette as much as I could. It was pretty tasty, in fact. By the time I was done my companion returned to join me. She was still shaking her head.

"Feel better?"

"Not really. I mean, maybe. It was good, but still...I shouldn't haven't eaten it. I don't know what to do sometimes."

"This is all because of that woman you told me about, isn't it?"

"I'm just trying to keep my head from being blown off at this point. You have no idea what I have to go through for money. I live in two different worlds and I don't know which one is real."

"Yes, I know. You keep telling me you're dying. Is that all you know how to do?"

I didn't want to answer. "Seems so. I've got nothing to offer."

"So you ran off that woman before she could find out." Fuck, she was reading my mind, my life an open book. "Is that why you wanted to make her hate you?"

"Yes. And..." I didn't want to confess further. Which way to best preserve myself? To tell the truth or not? I took a guess. "Well, you see, I couldn't please her any other way. I've got no future. So I figured if she hated me and I died, she'd be satisfied by that." Dear Lord, that sounded far worse saying it out loud. My friend paused as she crossed her arms and sat back in her seat.

"That's fucked up."

"I know."

More silence. I could tell she was highly unimpressed. After letting me twist for an appropriate period of time she finally spoke up. "Come on. I'll take you back to your place."

I stayed wisely silent as we walked through the parking lot in the cool moonlight. I could tell she was still fuming, though.

"You know, I should write a book about you."

"'Geniuses I've Known And Loved?'"

I was getting back to my normal self with that one small act of daring self-forgiveness. But that didn't spare me one final shot.

"More like 'Something Stupid This Way Comes'."

Right Before Your Eyes

There was no mistaking the panic in the frantic knocking at the front door. "You've got to let me in. I need a place to stay!"

"I can't do it. There's no room for you."

"You have to. I've got no place left to turn."

"That doesn't make it any more possible for me. Why don't you go up to one of those big houses and ask?"

"They refuse to listen. They won't listen to anything I say! They're deaf and will do anything to stay that way."

"They're the only ones who can help."

"I need somebody who can hear me. This is hell. This is hell's hell! They're coming for me and I've got no money to my name. Money is all they understand."

"I'm in the same situation too. They can take my place any day."

"What are you going to do then? Can't you see? We have to unite against this or we're all sunk!"

"I can see it but that won't make it happen."

"Don't you understand? These people are killers. Nothing stops them. They crucify people to be eaten alive by wild dogs. Who are these monsters?"

"What about the police?'

"What police? They refuse to see me. They say I could come after the dogs kill me and fill out a complaint."

"How can they refuse to see you? You're right before their eyes."

"They said it was their job not to see me. They said they'd lose their money if they did and they need to feed their families. They said better me dead than their kid."

"I really don't see much hope for uniting."

"But we have to! These monsters won't stop, they wear all the best suits and drive all the best cars. They come for some then they come for more! It's me today but you tomorrow. They keep picking us off."

"They say that's the way of the world and that the world is good. Doesn't look like anyone plans on changing."

"Even if it means death??"

"The people who can do something don't say it means death. The people who say it means death can't do anything."

"But there's so many more of us than them!"

"It's just going to keep happening, man, what can I tell you? I don't want to die either but what can I do?"

"I can't believe this. I can't believe this is happening. I look around me and I see the flowers and the sun and all I hear is how we have to die and nothing can be done. What's the point of even being alive?"

"I don't know. I don't have any answers. I just know I got no place for you. That's how things work. That's how things have to work."

"Why? Why? Can't we change? Is there no hope?"

"What about your friends? What about that lady friend of yours you kept mooning over, saying she put the stars in the sky?"

"I ran away, I couldn't face her. I trusted her until I found out she watched "Glee". She got too close and I was petrified so I sabotaged it just I like I did with everyone else. I don't understand what's wrong with me! Why do I always do the exact worse thing possible?"

"Don't know what to tell you, Judas. They say we've all got our cross to bear. Maybe if you had changed and been honest you wouldn't be in this mess. You always had such lovely dreams."

Jesus Commits Suicide

"You know, guys, they won't be calling this the Last Supper for nothing. Come tomorrow, I'm toast!"

"Say it ain't so, boss! Us guys will moider anyone who touches you!"

"It's no use, boys. I'm to be tortured and murdered in the most brutal way possible. Nothing to be done about it. Mob rule is the final rule."

"Geez, what a lousy planet this is! We'ez is hopin' you'd be changing all that."

"Me? I can't even change your god-awful Jersey speech. It's free will here, boys. There will be just as many assholes when I leave here as when I got here."

"Dang it, boss. Then what ya even comes here for?"

"Got me! So I tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to off myself. If I'm going to die, I'm going to do it my way on my time!"

"You show 'em, boss! Don't give them Romans no satisfaction! We'ez too smart for them!"

"Right. Since I'm dead anyway, what's the point of going through all the agony? Am I supposed to be stupid enough to think they'll suddenly see the error of theirs ways and repent?"

"You can't count on them guys repentin' nothin', boss! But ain't there some prophesies or such sayin' you's supposed to get it on a cross and a bunch of other really bad shit?"

"Prophesy, shmophesy! What difference does it make how I die as long as I do?"

"Ain't folks expectin' ya to die for their sins?"

"Of course I'm dying for their sins! If I weren't surrounded by murdering sinners I wouldn't be dying."

"I mean, ain't they expecting to get something outta this?"

"What kind of nutball hopes to get something out of crucifying someone? I could be a murderous, raping, two-bit camel thief and they still wouldn't get anything out of it. That's just nuts!"

"I dunno, boss. That's how folks is talkin'. They's thinking soon as you's dead on the cross they gettin' some free ride outta that, like they ain't sinners no more."

"What? Has no one listened to a word I've said? Do they believe themselves Pharaoh? If I die on that cross tomorrow every man, woman and child who follows is condemned to bear a cross of their own."

"That means we can't be lettin' you die no matter what! Most important thing ever for you's to live!"

"You'd be out of luck taking a vote on that. Afterwards, when the truth is obvious, there'll be all sorts of people - even Romans who'll call themselves holy - who will claim me for their own. Believing that, they will do unto others everything that's to be done to me tomorrow in my name!"

"Jesus, boss, we can't let that happen!"

"I told you suicide was the best way. Gets everyone off the hook, even me."

"But then folks will be sayin' you ain't you. What about that if you don't die the way they's expectin'?"

"I ain't - dammit, now you've got me doing it - I'm not dying for them. I'm dying for telling the truth. Trust me when I tell you all the truth-tellers will be killed. You're nothing but a bunch of goddam assassins."

"Won't God protect you? If you's ain't worth saving, who is??"

"We're on our own here, guys. No favors done for anybody. Justice ends here and begins here - or there's none at all."

"You means it's all on us?"

"One hundred percent, now and forever."

"Boss, God can't be trusting us like that! It's always the liars in charge, tellin' folks what they wants to hear."

"What? You mean doing this can make me President? Cool!"

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"We gotta show them how bad they needs to reform or there'll not be no hope for no one!"

"You lost lost me with all the double negatives there but I get your gist. But only way I can do that is to go through with the show trial and their tricks to forever brand their disregard for truth."

"We can't let them liars win, boss! But you's sure this is gonna work?"

"I'm as sure as a conservative is corrupt! Why that (literal) cocksucker Pilate at one point is going to ask me, "What is truth?" Have you heard anything so outrageous!? He's going to deny everything. I can read him like an open scroll."

"Gees, boss, we'ez just sick you gotta go through that. Sure there ain't nothing we can do to help? Wouldn't bother me none to knock off a couple of those phony temple rabbis!"

"Man, dealing with you guys is like herding cats. NO violence! How many times do I have to tell you? If you really want to piss them off, tell them you still love them."

"I dunno, boss. Them Romans is real perverts. They's likely to take it the wrong ways."

"Trust me, they'll know what you mean. Their hearts are on fire from all the lying. When they see they can't set yours on fire it will drive them nuts."

"You da man, boss! You always get it right! I always tell folks when it comes to Jesus, fuggedaboutit!"

"Of course, when you drive the-powers-that-be nuts there's a price to pay."

"What you's sayin', boss? You mean..."

"That's right, boys: crosses all around. It's the only thing they know to do."

"Geez, boss, and I thought we was a bunch of dummies. But we ain't no liars!"

"Anyone who betrays himself, hangs himself. Right, Judas?"

"I must be the stupidest man alive."

"No doubt. But one thing you can do is roll up some of that potent Egyptian weed we scored last week. It will be the last useful thing you'll do."

"Wow, boss, we sure do wish there was a better way."

"There is. But we've got tonight to get stoned out of our ever-loving minds and forget about all that. Love will find a way - just not now."

"Geez, boss, if not now, when?"