Jesus Commits Suicide

"You know, guys, they won't be calling this the Last Supper for nothing. Come tomorrow, I'm toast!"

"Say it ain't so, boss! Us guys will moider anyone who touches you!"

"It's no use, boys. I'm to be tortured and murdered in the most brutal way possible. Nothing to be done about it. Mob rule is the final rule."

"Geez, what a lousy planet this is! We'ez is hopin' you'd be changing all that."

"Me? I can't even change your god-awful Jersey speech. It's free will here, boys. There will be just as many assholes when I leave here as when I got here."

"Dang it, boss. Then what ya even comes here for?"

"Got me! So I tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to off myself. If I'm going to die, I'm going to do it my way on my time!"

"You show 'em, boss! Don't give them Romans no satisfaction! We'ez too smart for them!"

"Right. Since I'm dead anyway, what's the point of going through all the agony? Am I supposed to be stupid enough to think they'll suddenly see the error of theirs ways and repent?"

"You can't count on them guys repentin' nothin', boss! But ain't there some prophesies or such sayin' you's supposed to get it on a cross and a bunch of other really bad shit?"

"Prophesy, shmophesy! What difference does it make how I die as long as I do?"

"Ain't folks expectin' ya to die for their sins?"

"Of course I'm dying for their sins! If I weren't surrounded by murdering sinners I wouldn't be dying."

"I mean, ain't they expecting to get something outta this?"

"What kind of nutball hopes to get something out of crucifying someone? I could be a murderous, raping, two-bit camel thief and they still wouldn't get anything out of it. That's just nuts!"

"I dunno, boss. That's how folks is talkin'. They's thinking soon as you's dead on the cross they gettin' some free ride outta that, like they ain't sinners no more."

"What? Has no one listened to a word I've said? Do they believe themselves Pharaoh? If I die on that cross tomorrow every man, woman and child who follows is condemned to bear a cross of their own."

"That means we can't be lettin' you die no matter what! Most important thing ever for you's to live!"

"You'd be out of luck taking a vote on that. Afterwards, when the truth is obvious, there'll be all sorts of people - even Romans who'll call themselves holy - who will claim me for their own. Believing that, they will do unto others everything that's to be done to me tomorrow in my name!"

"Jesus, boss, we can't let that happen!"

"I told you suicide was the best way. Gets everyone off the hook, even me."

"But then folks will be sayin' you ain't you. What about that if you don't die the way they's expectin'?"

"I ain't - dammit, now you've got me doing it - I'm not dying for them. I'm dying for telling the truth. Trust me when I tell you all the truth-tellers will be killed. You're nothing but a bunch of goddam assassins."

"Won't God protect you? If you's ain't worth saving, who is??"

"We're on our own here, guys. No favors done for anybody. Justice ends here and begins here - or there's none at all."

"You means it's all on us?"

"One hundred percent, now and forever."

"Boss, God can't be trusting us like that! It's always the liars in charge, tellin' folks what they wants to hear."

"What? You mean doing this can make me President? Cool!"

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"We gotta show them how bad they needs to reform or there'll not be no hope for no one!"

"You lost lost me with all the double negatives there but I get your gist. But only way I can do that is to go through with the show trial and their tricks to forever brand their disregard for truth."

"We can't let them liars win, boss! But you's sure this is gonna work?"

"I'm as sure as a conservative is corrupt! Why that (literal) cocksucker Pilate at one point is going to ask me, "What is truth?" Have you heard anything so outrageous!? He's going to deny everything. I can read him like an open scroll."

"Gees, boss, we'ez just sick you gotta go through that. Sure there ain't nothing we can do to help? Wouldn't bother me none to knock off a couple of those phony temple rabbis!"

"Man, dealing with you guys is like herding cats. NO violence! How many times do I have to tell you? If you really want to piss them off, tell them you still love them."

"I dunno, boss. Them Romans is real perverts. They's likely to take it the wrong ways."

"Trust me, they'll know what you mean. Their hearts are on fire from all the lying. When they see they can't set yours on fire it will drive them nuts."

"You da man, boss! You always get it right! I always tell folks when it comes to Jesus, fuggedaboutit!"

"Of course, when you drive the-powers-that-be nuts there's a price to pay."

"What you's sayin', boss? You mean..."

"That's right, boys: crosses all around. It's the only thing they know to do."

"Geez, boss, and I thought we was a bunch of dummies. But we ain't no liars!"

"Anyone who betrays himself, hangs himself. Right, Judas?"

"I must be the stupidest man alive."

"No doubt. But one thing you can do is roll up some of that potent Egyptian weed we scored last week. It will be the last useful thing you'll do."

"Wow, boss, we sure do wish there was a better way."

"There is. But we've got tonight to get stoned out of our ever-loving minds and forget about all that. Love will find a way - just not now."

"Geez, boss, if not now, when?"