Gandhi And The Witch Burners

"Don't tell me I have to compete with that!"

Her brow was vexed. "Did you see that new girl with that family that just moved here?"

"Yes, I did! She's very pretty and all the boys were staring at her. That harlot."

"I think it may be even worse. I think she cast a spell on them!"

"That wouldn't surprise me. Some girls will do anything to get a boy - not like us!"

"I think we need to report that witch right away."

"It's the moral thing to do!"

The horny town elders had also taken notice of her.

"Wow, I'd give anything to get me dick in that new girl. Legs like that get a heart to pumping!"

"Careful, preacher, or you'll lose your job."

"That girl has the devil inside her!"

"Listen to you two horny old bastards. It's not the devil in her that's the problem. It's because none of us ever got laid like we wanted and now we're stuck pretending to be moral only because we don't have a chance at hot girls anymore. I'm so bitter I could explode!"

"Me too! Let's start a war. I want to shoot somebody!"

"No, no, it's the girl that's the problem. Get rid of her and we'll be able to go back to comfortably hating our lives."

When the jealous girls came forward with accusations of witchcraft the town's fathers gleefully declared it a sign from God. Town mothers were also relieved. "No wonder our daughters are such miserable little sluts. Had nothing to do with us being awful parents after all!"

Kindling was being gathered for the holy burning at the stake to "remove impurities from our midst" when a busybody traveler came to town. He said he wanted to stop the burning. The immoral outrage could be heard around the world.

The original caped crusader

"You saying we don't believe in God? We'll fight you to the death on that!"

The traveler was steadfast. "I say nothing of your beliefs, only that you consider satyagraha."

"Satyagraha? There's only one god and that's not it."

"If your God is true then rest assured for there's no god higher than truth. Satyagraha is an experiment in honoring truth. It is your God I wish to honor."

"Good! You can help round up the firewood, little guy."

"I cannot do this with a clear conscience until after satyagraha. Can you bring me the girls who made the accusation of witchcraft?"

"We don't need to bother them. They've been through enough."

"If you have something to hide then I must report this in my travels. I'm sure you would not want me to speak falsely."

"We've got nothing to hide! Our girls love the Lord and that means they love the truth!"

The town fathers lorded over the girls as they were presented to the traveler. They were confident the girls would hold on to their lies but they wanted to leave no doubt about any possible recantation. The traveler spread out a girl's clothing before the three accusers.

"Here, I think you should have these so they don't go to waste. They should fit you nicely."

The girls were puzzled. "Those will fit us but where did you get them? They look really nice."

"These garments belong to the girl who is to be burned. Being your age I hoped they would be of correct size."

"Witch's clothes! We don't want those! Daddy make him take them away!"

The traveler continued. "Because you're not witches you have nothing to fear. Take them, enjoy them with a pure and true heart."

"Daddy! make him stop! We didn't - "

"That's enough, Mr. Gandhi! I don't know what kind of trick you're pulling but you need to stop."

"Satyagraha is no trick. The truth is your daughters know the girl in question is not a witch and therefore the idea of openly being seen benefiting from her death is unbearable to them as beings of good conscience."

"That's the devil talking there, trying to trick us!"

"My dear sirs, it's the devil who wants her burned!"

"Yes, there is a God!"

This confounded even the lying-bound fathers. With the sound of the still wailing girls in their ears they grew confused as to why the truth was a bad idea. Just speak and end this madness!

"Look, Mr. Gandhi, stop having faith in us, it's really annoying. We made a decision and we're sticking to it. We're no flip-floppers! Right or wrong that girl has to go. The decision is not in our hands, it's in God's hands."

"Then I must protest!"

"You can't protest God!"

"I shall not eat for as long as the girl remains condemned. And if she dies at your hands then I too shall fast until death. This is my decision. Please excuse my stubbornness."

A town council was held that night.

"That little man is a blasphemer! We already convicted her of being a witch. We can't back down now."

"If the girl lives she'll know we're nothing but superstitious hypocrites trying to cover up our own sins. Our Puritan neighbors are ruthless bastards and won't stand for us not burning a convicted witch. It will call into the question the very idea of witch burning!"

"But I sure don't want that little man's death on my conscience. Oh, what a plague upon us he is!"

"He says he'll accept nothing less than a full retraction and for the girl to live among us until adulthood. I don't know about you guys but by that time I'll have whacked off a couple thousand times by then over those damn legs. There's no way out!"

"What if we did a purification ritual where she has to slowly walk naked down the street??"

"Oh, God, that would be hot!"

"Easy for you to say, Father. We've got wives to answer to and I for one don't want blue balls for the duration of that girl's stay."

"Then what can we do?"

Deliberations went deep into the night, with each fork in the road seemingly leading to doom. They complained of being crucified by the truth. According to their creed, the death of Jesus was supposed to have saved them from this situation and yet here they were.

At dawn, Gandhi entered the wary room. "Inside each of you is love, a piece of our Maker entrusted to your safekeeping. To feel you have failed in that duty is intolerable, beyond all human endurance. We will go to any length and commit any act to avoid this fate. But if we act falsely we remove ourselves from the true path, to be lost and blind in endless debate."

The men could feel the yoke lifting from their shoulders and in their fatigue could not resist. "Let us admit the truth and be free. We all know the girl must live. What else is relevant? The self-respect you gain will see you through your trials. You need only make the step to see."

Fear cried out. "He's bringing us into temptation by making us feel good! You can't just do what you feel!"

"I do not wish to die. You do not wish the girl to die and you yourselves do not wish to die. But this I can say in true love: whatever fate you decide for the girl you too shall share. Perhaps you believe you do not deserve to live."

There. It had been said; their secret dread. But hearing it out loud put it in a new light, showing its absurdity. Of course they deserved to live. Of course the girl should not die. What had they been thinking? To commit a human sacrifice and have murdered in the name of the Lord was to jump into the flames of hell. Instead, they stood on the cliff, still aching to leap.

"OK, Mr. Gandhi, you win. We'll burn witches no more but I have to tell you we were really looking forward to that. Hope you're happy!"

"I cannot win, I am but a lonely traveler of space and time. I know the feeling burning inside you and your desire to express it. But as you walk further down the road of freedom you'll find its sweet taste to be something you'll never wish to give up. You'll find the price of pursuing freedom as minuscule compared to the price of giving it up."

"Maybe so. But if you're wrong we're going to hate your freaking guts until the day we die!"

"As you wish. But as for me, I'm ready to freaking eat!"

******

CODA: When the surrounding settlements heard of this gross betrayal, panic exploded like a tsunami over the countryside. "Witch lovers" and "terrorists" was how the town was branded. A resolution was passed to burn the town square, their houses and farms down to the ground if they did not kill the girl. But the traveler had been right, the longer they tasted freedom and its dousing of the internal flames the more they refused to give it up.

"You may burn us, you may slaughter us, but we shall live as free people. In fact, if we even hear of a condemnation of a so-called witch we shall fast until the decision is reversed or we shall join the accused's fate!"

The townspeople serenely smiled at the red-faced outrage of the outside marauders. How painful those first few steps back to reality! The same tortured debates ensued until settlement after settlement toppled under the weight of life's desire. They became a nation of peace as a consequence, thereby re-entering the garden of Eden.