Un-Deliverance

Ugh, salt water.

That was my first thought as I regained consciousness with a slap from the ocean spray. The sky was a complete grey gloom of clouds with patches of darkness looming ominously within. The first impression in the drowsiness of my fog was what a magnificent picture of horror this tapestry in the sky, of how I would love to paint this darkness and memorialize for all time. "See what truly lies deep in the ocean!" I'd proclaim.

Then I realized I wasn't safe. The choppiness of the waters had me rising and falling like a roller coaster and if I got too much water in I'd surely sink. This was my first moment of a growing, dreading panic. What was I doing here anyway? The ocean is not my friend when alone.

The storm. There had been a terrible storm on the ship. I hit my head running to safety as I heard the orders to prepare for gale winds. What was it I hit? Did I fall? I can't remember. But how did I end up on this lifeboat? Did the ship go down and I the only survivor? But why save me? And if they were trying to save me then why no provisions here?

Oh, my God. I'm going to die at sea.

I crumpled back down in despair, trying to retrace the timeline, to find the missing piece of information that might save me as the charcoal grey of darkness swallowed me whole, unseen to any eyes human or angelic, sharing the fate of so many ancient mariners. My spine went cold. Should I simply jump overboard and drown now? I must know what happened!

I was knocked out. The ship was in trouble. They must have placed me in the lifeboat for safekeeping. And then, the ship sank with only me surviving? But someone would have had to detach the craft. Maybe that was the last act of someone before being swept overboard. But if someone had time to release the mechanism they certainly had time to climb aboard. It just doesn't make sense!

Nothing. There's nothing here at all. Wait a minute. What's wrong with this picture? I can't quite grasp it...

I'll have to remember later. My stomach is churning, my mind is paralyzing in fear. Don't give up yet. The horizon! Search the horizon, you fool!

Bouncing on the waves I squint my eyes. I have no sense of direction or where I came from. I find a point and slowly scan, making sure beyond all doubt before moving on. Of course, if the ship has sunk there will be nothing to find. Actually, it had to of since with this would leave them with no lifeboat. It would be insane - and legally negligent - to jettison their one backup. It makes sense now. Something broke. That's how I managed to detach. No other possible explanation.

A strange calmness came over me. Suddenly, a surreal serenity took over, surrendering to the awesome power of nature upon the high sea. I just wanted to be swept away, to stop fighting the flow. How glorious would that be if I could do that and live? If I could just lay down and let Nature guide me to safety. I'd never felt such peace ever in my life as in this most hopeless of all hopeless moments in my life. Was I becoming insane, disconnecting from all reality?

The urge to lay back down and drift was overpowering, to pretend there really is a God who cares, that I really don't have to do everything on my own. Surrender! This is the here and now, no need to understand what can't be known. I have a good guess what happened, just let it go. In the morning light would come clarity. The horizon is blank.

I lay my head down and relaxed. This would be kind of fun if the danger were removed! I felt a strange guilt enjoying it, like some sort of amusement park ride. Still, I don't know how I'll manage to sleep with the hands of doom gripping my neck in a seemingly inescapable choke hold. All I can do is set my mind free; drifting, bouncing, guided by forces over which I have no say...

The transponder!

The transponder is missing! How can that be? I remember the crew explaining it's bolted in as a precaution. No way for it not to be here. I lunged forward to the spot I remembered. The bolt holes were still there. Someone must have...

What the hell is going on??????? What really happened? This can't have been done on purpose! Think! Think! They didn't leave me out here. I just can't fathom...

Wild gyrations fluctuated through my mind, flashing between terror and hell. No, no, no, no, no. They didn't set me adrift. What did I do? Yes, I was an outsider but... Think of a good reason for it being gone. I can't! You're doubting your fellow man. You and your bad attitude again! But nothing else makes sense. See? This is why people bristle with your negativity. Why can't you see the good? I'm only trying to be honest. Isn't that the goal? Hah! Like there's an honest bone in your body. No wonder they dumped you.

Confused, drowning in disbelief, I sat back up, furious to find to some clue - any clue! That's when I saw the speck of light. Those motherfuckers didn't sink after all!

Part of me desperately wanted to cry. What utter rejection. To set me adrift at my most vulnerable moment. Maybe...maybe there's something I haven't thought of...some comforting story to explain away the madness. I didn't have all the facts. Why assume the worst? How did I get into this situation? I must be the greatest fool alive! No one but I could have this happen. Un-fucking-believable. A nightmare to end all nightmares. That is my end.

The loneliness of this moment at the mercy of man and high seas. Abandoned by the universe. My whole life I'd struggled to find deliverance. I've been foolish in my choices. Now I see the sum total of my idiocy. Were they laughing as they unbolted the transponder and released me to my fate? Had I drawn out some urge in them to humiliate me - to death? I'd been what I thought expediently silent on the stupidity of their notions as I thought on such a small ship best not to make waves. I never wanted to suspect treachery like this, though.

To hell with it. I'll go back to my original desire for the morning light. Logically, I had no reason to find hope in that. The water was here. The water was there. The water was everywhere. Game over. Regardless, for once, I'll follow my instincts. And somehow I knew doing that would piss off my betrayers. I would have the last laugh!

Jesus! I must be losing it! How can you expect to have the last laugh, dead man?

Then I noticed something. Can't be! The light is getting brighter. They're heading straight for me! Oh, you fool! You idiot! Always thinking the worst. Remember, when you get back on board never for a moment betray your doubts. Act like you never suspected a thing. Oh, heck maybe they had given in to a sudden impulse of cruelty and were now steaming back in a storm of regret. Forgive them and make peace until you get back on land. Land! I'll never leave goddam land again!

A searchlight beamed out from the bow. I could hear voices. They sounded merry. That's a good sign, right? Happy to get me back. I'll lie my fucking head off. No more honesty for me! I'll have to fake like hell I'm one of them for the next few days - which seems like an eternity at the moment. But certainly not impossible in the course of history of human events.

So why was my stomach sinking at the very point of my salvation? Fuck you and your goddam integrity. It's going to get me killed. I'll be honest again when I'm safe back on land. What's the point of being honest and dead? Live to fight another day!

Still, my stomach sank and my mind revolted at the return of the ship. Keep under control! Here it is!

Everyone was on the edge facing me. They had drinks raised high, laughing at my position, hailing in mockery, "Bon voyage!" I wished I'd had the spirit to lash back at them but I was too dumbstruck to even twitch my open mouth. This pleased them, as if proving them to be in the right. I was so overwhelmed at this point I was swayed to believe them. Part of me too believed I deserved this.

As they swooshed on through the waves yelling out "Bye-bye!" I saw a crewman holding up the transponder in victory. "Good riddance, you ..." What he said after was garbled by the waves. Shattered, I fell back down, gripping my seat. So this is me. Should I give in to their judgement? Wasn't I just being self-serving to believe any different? Part of me was sure I was better than they thought - the rest of me was sure I was left to die at sea come what may.

How could I fight back? I've never been so frustrated and outraged in my life!! Should I just let it go like I was before? I couldn't. I felt too much like an idiot - plus I wanted to fight back in righteous anger! "I'm going to break your fucking necks if I get a hold of you!" And I wanted to point out they had no lifeboat now if they hit the reef. Take that! And another thing...

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm going to die and they will go on to live unpunished lives as the world is wont to do. Man, I just can't believe this planet. I'm certainly no angel. I just wish reason would be given a chance. Don't the bad guys ever pay a price? Doesn't the insanity have to end sometime? Certainly, if I had sold my soul to be a CEO I wouldn't be in the position I am now.

The night sky was shades of grey from a hidden moon. The water was calmer now. In one sense it was the perfect backdrop to do some thinking - and I certainly have a lot to think about. Wow. Just wow. Did all that really just happen? Is this a dream? I've had dreams like this before. Were those monsters simply carrying out Nature's orders to destroy me? The hatred in my heart pleaded for revenge.

That, of course, was impossible. They were pouring drinks and carrying on and fucking into the night. All I could think of was limiting their laughter. No way was I going to spend days at sea roasting under the sun with no water, my mind going mad oscillating between a hopeless hope and complete despair. "Cling to life, you moron!" I could hear them jeer. "Extend your misery!" I sat up and stared down at the silky, black waters so innocently at peace.

You'll be giving into anger. Remember how you said you didn't want to do that anymore? But this is different! Who wouldn't be angry? I mean, if anger were ever justified, this is it! Consider your heart. How does your heart feel? It feels bad but so what? I'm dead anyway. You really want me to believe this good feeling I have of just floating along here is really going to lead to something? That's all I've done my whole fucking wasted life is place faith in impossible dreams. Certainly it's high time I grew up and faced the facts!

My heart kept speaking but it was drowned out by the sound of the laughing ship in my mind. If I die now I can end the suffering. Nothing has ever worked out for me before. Helluva time to think it would start now! Even God must be shaking Her head at this fool. End your misery. God doesn't want you to suffer. You've never had faith before. Time to try before the end. Have the courage to quickly and decidedly drown in the cold waters.

A single tear dropped in the ocean from my overhung face. The longer I stared, the weaker I got, wanting to stay on. Time to face reality.

******

News reports told of a ship that had foolishly strayed right into the heart of a storm, sinking with all aboard. The route of her final hours made no sense and most likely the crew was not familiar with the path through the reef coming from the direction they did. Unexplained was why the lifeboat was not deployed.

Unreported was the story of a dingy washing up ashore that morning on an island inhabited by natives, a popular destination point for tourists. The boy who found it claimed he maybe saw footsteps leading away but the ensuing crowd trampled away any evidence. How could anyone make it there alive? It was not a lifeboat, it had no transponder. Most probably any occupants died at sea.

I Saw Fire In The Rain

I don't know what woke me up. It was in the deep of the night where you know things you don't want to know. I couldn't open my eyes more than halfway, my eyelids firmly resisting, already begrudging me what sight I had.

I noticed a glow from the bedroom window and looked outside to see a tree on fire in the rain. I wondered what was wrong, for either the tree was not really on fire or the rain was not really rain. Such clarity of confusion drove me mad, paralyzing me. Better I had stayed ignorant, part of me pleaded. "But I have to know," I responded. But I also knew the state of madness that held me in its grip was intolerable in the extreme.

Had I a glimpse of hell? Is this purgatory? That's certainly my feeling. This can't go on, so I turned away and went back to bed, hoping for the best but fearing the worst. Sure enough, the vision followed me to my dreams. "Why doesn't the rain put out the fire? Has Mankind become so perverse the laws of nature have reversed?" I was outside, in the rain, feeling the heat of the flames. When I woke up I ran to the window, this time eyes wide open, no tricks. But all was black in the moonless night.

Next morning I convinced myself it had never happened, that it had been a dream from start to finish. Mad tales like these get one ostracized. And, well, I wasn't too sure about me either after that. Mind playing tricks on me! "That's what purgatory is," I assured myself, "when you can't tell illusion from reality." So why was my heart pounding when I stepped out the door?



The ground was damp, the tree was burnt. But which had won, the fire or the rain? If only I hadn't turned away. Suddenly, to know this seemed the most important thing in the world; life or death. I'd missed my one chance, forced to live in forever ignorance the rest of my days, permanently damaged. All I'd wanted to do was turn away and sleep. I thought I was being cursed in a moment of blessing. If only I had faced it! Here in the sunlight I was brimming with useless courage, sort of like swearing to Heaven, "I can do it!" before coming here to die in fear.

I saw others walking with scared looks on their faces. Before I could finish my question they answered they were fine and would speak no more. Where is the hope in that? Then I overheard some passing talk of a person who'd stayed and watched eyes wide open, not running away like I had, able to lead a life I never can. The thought of that drove me insane with jealous rage. Someone like that could expose me. Die fucker die! He must be killed!

After the rage passed I was shaken. I'd felt the hatred of Jesus upon my heart. Who can I look in the eye now? I started running into the woods to hide. The living trees and birds greeted me in innocence and I felt both relieved and ashamed. After a time, then half a time again, I made my way back to the burnt tree as I knew I must. High up sat a woman on the edge of a branch bemoaning her plight in this world.

"I can't stand living anymore with you people! You must learn to behave!" In her right hand was a saw. She was cutting off her branch to spite her life. A crowd of mockers watched below.

"Better stop that cutting or you's will fall to the ground and breaks yur neck! Har, har, har!"

"See what I mean! So much negativity. I'm tired of hearing of doom and gloom. Show some support for once!"

"Ya dum cunt I IS supportin' ya! You's got ya brain wired wrong? Whatcha tryin' to prove up there sawing away like that anyways??"

"I'm trying to prove you can disagree without being disagreeable. And you, sir, are most disagreeable!" In the meantime demons wearing happy face masks climbed the tree to speak to the woman unheard by the mockers.

"Madam, please let me apologize for those godless heathens below. I and several others here fully support you and your endeavors. Someone must stand for civility in rude times like these!"

"Oh, thank God for a voice of reason at last! That's all I'm trying to say: give civility a chance."

"I and my friends quite agree, madam. We just want you to know not everyone is like those mockers below, that's there still quite a few who support reasonable discussion and manners, and we encourage you to the very utmost to never give in to the negativity and the doomsayers and stay the course with your sawing!"

"Thank you, thank you! I feel a thousand percent better. I must admit I was having my doubts but -"

At that point the branch broke and she fell breaking her neck. The masked demons up in the tree screamed in outrage to the mockers below. "See what you devils made her do? If you had supported her she'd be alive right now!" The mockers dispersed in silence seeing the speaker was not a reasonable person. "Got nothing to say, do you? I knew I was right!"

That night I was afraid to go inside my house so I sat out on the front steps. I wondered how to talk. No one would speak to me of the burning tree but it was easy to tell they had seen it too! And that woman wouldn't listen to the truth either, like you had to sell it to her. But you can't sell the truth and you can't make people talk even when you know they're lying. What to do? What to do...

I went inside and wrote a story of how I had a dream of seeing a tree burning in the rain. When people read it they said they really liked it and their eyes lit up like it was a relief. "What a crazy dream!" they'd remark to protest their innocence. One thing I changed was to say I stayed at the window and kept my eyes wide open until the very end. Of course, I had to imagine what I saw then but I'd use that and wait to be corrected by someone who really was brave and could tell me the actual truth. No one ever corrected me. Damn.

These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of love. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. I will make those who are of the synagogue of silence, who claim to be believers though they are not, but are liars—I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you. Since you have kept my command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come on the whole world to test the inhabitants of the earth.