I AM Judas

"As for the one who betrays me, it would be better for him had he never been born."

There are many who betrayed Jesus. From the temple elders (may they rot in hell), to the corrupt Pilate, to the weak and fearful masses who voted for his crucifixion (thus guaranteeing that to be their fate). But there's only one who betrayed him directly, as only one of his inner circle could. That would be me, to my everlasting sorrow. Nothing after that can possibly have any meaning.

For you see, after having betrayed Jesus with a kiss, I can never trust myself to kiss again.

Few are those who realize what Jesus was like. Some have compared him to a rock star we see today and there is some merit in that argument. But Jesus was so much more. The first thing you remember is the energy and the light. You hear of people talk about a person having presence in a room, well, Jesus's was off the charts. There was a continual feeling of excitement around him, one of the joy of life and the promise of hope. One really did feel one could do anything. That seemed perfectly normal. The whole world around Jesus appeared abnormal, cheating itself, living in false fear.

Looking back, it's easy to see I was using Jesus as a crutch. I never learned to stand on my own two feet. That's why I thought I was better than the other apostles. I watched them struggle in silent derision. "Just use the shortcut like I did, dummies!" What I didn't realize was they did not have my understanding of who Jesus was. It required no faith for me to believe in him. But I had not the faith to believe in myself. For the others, those two things were one in the same.

Who can know my guilt? No matter how many times I return, I cannot escape it. I have tried to put my intelligence to good use over the ages but always without a kiss (which means I ended up sabotaging myself in the end). I live as a poacher. I go to where life has been created by others, living off it vicariously, a creep masturbating in the shadows, not to be a part again. Many are my foolish followers walking in my footsteps, thinking themselves clever. I see traitors denigrating patriots without fear under the living sun. When I see this, I know the fools to be legion.

In the class of Jesus I was a star. But I failed the final test. Now, only by a kiss can my cell be unlocked. Is there redemption even for me? I know that's promised to every soul born (why else would anyone come to this fucking nightmare), but will I face it? What can have meaning inside a prison? Great proclamations heard only by stone walls. By deception I must live but that's no life at all. Who can love Judas? What can he have to offer? Sharing the knowledge of sin makes no difference, only sharing the experience of love.

Yes, I, Judas, knew to believe more than any other alive, I just refused to do so.