"Ya Dum Fukk!"

"I's sorry. Time for me to go now. Massa gotta beat me."

"Beat you!? Why would you let him beat you?"

"That jus' the way it is. Massa da boss. Ain't you a been 'round?"

"Well, yeah. That's why I know you can't let people beat you."

"Boy, you crazy or what? You gots to learn how things is! Don't ya know nothin', ya dum fukk?"

"But don't you mind him beating on you?"

"Oh, no sah. I don't minds. I ain't got no attitudenal problems. The massa got the rights to beat me."

"Nobody has those kind of rights."

"I ain't nobody's to be questionin' nothin'. Just gotta be a man and takes ya beatin's."

"Well, sounds to me like it'd really hurt."

"Oh, that part I doan like! I don't minds the beatin's but I sher do hate the hurtin' part!"

"I'm sensing a disconnect here."

"Ain't disconnectin' nothin'! What? You expectin' me to want them beatin's to hurts? What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing. I guess I'll be on my way then. I don't want to get beat."

"That you problem then, ya dum fukk!"

Wow, he seems a damn sight sore with me but not a whit against the person wailing the daylights out of him. Boy, I don't get that. I don't get that at all!

Then I noticed something else after walking a far piece down the road.

"Oh, sir. Sir? Can I show you something please?"

"Why, yes, my good man. You may show me anything you please! I'm a soul of great and even temperament just like all the good souls in this land."

"Wow, I can't tell you what a relief it is to hear you say that!"

"Praise be to us and our ways, indeed! Look around you. Do you see any shit? Do you see any shit at all?"

"Why no. You're right. I don't see any shit."

"That's no accident, my friend. We have a devised a shit free land! Civilizations since the beginning of time have strived to do what we have done but we are the first!"

"That's amazing. I admire your confidence. What's your secret?"

"Why, it's our glorious dam you see behind you. We keep all our shit behind there. Makes you wonder why no one else had done it sooner?"

"You think maybe it's because sooner or later you won't be able to keep building your dam high enough because shit never ends?"

"My dear sir, have no fear. Relax and enjoy our paradise! We are the most learned and technological of all peoples. Technology is the savior of our race."

"Technology can only go so far, though."

"Do not be a non-believer! Do not live the horrible life of the deceived and deluded. Why is it you cannot accept paradise found?'

"Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I was noticing this rather large crack in the dam and thought maybe someone should do something about it."

"But instead you found out how wrong you are! Science cannot be questioned!"

"You sure are convinced, I'll give you that much."

"You certainly flatter me, sir!"

"But aren't you going to do anything about the crack?"

"How absurd! Why would we do something like that? That's like admitting something is wrong."

"And it seems to me since this dam is going to break anyway sooner or later better to let it break now or you'll face even more shit down the line."

"Such negativity! You do yourself no favors with thoughts like that, sir."

"You're not going to beat nature! Just face up to it and get it over with! You'll be fine."

"You're on of them, aren't you? A truth terrorist! You just want everything to fail, don't you!"

"No, I want everything to work. What happened to that open mind you were talking about?"

"You, sir, belong in our jail! I can think of nothing more outrageous than unleashing a mountain of shit upon us! You must be the stupidest person in the world. Now get out of here before I arrest you, ya dum fukk!"

Sheesh. Why is it the more wrong a person is the more convinced they are? Man, not everyone can be this nutty around here - can they?

For some reason, the sight of a happy, cheering crowd gave me hope. I mingled in getting as intoxicated in hope as the rest.

"What's all the excitement about?"

"A Bitch Man is coming! The biggest Bitch Man of all! Oh my gosh, I so cannot totally believe it!"

"Well, uh, that's a good thing?"

"Well, of course it is, ya dum fukk! Being a bitch is what it's all about. Don't you want nothing out of life?"

"Of course I do. Just didn't think that was the way to do it."

"You are a dum fukk, aren't you? Oh, look! Here he comes! Quick, give him everything you have."

"What? Are you nuts? I'm not giving him squat!"

"Then you won't get squat, neither! Don't be a selfish freeloader! Give up the goods!"

"Seems to me the Bitch Man is the freeloader!"

"Impossible! He already has everything! He's no moocher!"

"Then what hell you giving him more for?"

"What kind of crazy are you? Everyone wants to be a Bitch Man!"

"Fuck that. I keeping my dignity."

"Wow, you are some kind of asshole. Can't you do something for the common good? You're just one of those people who wants to keep everything for himself."

"But that describes the Bitch Man!"

"You're some kind of brainwashed, aren't you? Life is about giving."

"Why not give to someone who doesn't have everything?"

"You are one dum fukk, aren't you? I'm not going to enable other people's bad behavior. You've got a thing or two to learn about responsibility. Good thing there are adults like me around, ya Lazarus loser!"

As the Bitch Man passed, everything was handed over to him until I alone stood clothed among the masses. Then, all eyes were on me. That's when the voices started.

"Look at the freak! He didn't give anything!"

"What an idiot! He'll never get anywhere in the world!"

"Some people just don't know any better. You can only feel sorry for them and shake your head."

"To hell with that! I say he's a dum fukk!"

"Me too! Go away, ya dum fukk!"

After that all I could hear were cries of "ya dum fukk" surrounding me and drowning me. I appeased them somewhat by saying, "Yeah, that's me: a dumb fuck." That caused a round of laughter. Then a friendly drunk man put his hand on my shoulder before passing out.

"Boy, I'd sure hate to be you, ya dum fukk!"

Yes, I used a forbidden song