On Borrowed Time

[From an ancient Japanese chest covered in thick dust, a transcript is found written during the last hours of an escaped condemned man.]

I was supposed to have been executed an hour ago. It was on my honor to show up at the correct place and time, and besides, they knew there was no way of escaping the castle grounds. I could try and hide and sneak around like a cowardly idiot but that would only make things worse for me.

But that's exactly what I did.

I'm crouching in the bushes with this parchment paper I was supposed to use to write my death poem. I don't know what possessed me to hide. I know there's no point in it. I just don't want to face facts, I suppose.

I hear the angry shouts of the searchers. It thrills me in a way to feel I possess them so. Two samurai passed by me, one angrily complaining of how he wanted to get home to his pregnant wife as the search for me delayed him. He wants to be free and I want to be free, yet neither of us are. Is there not sad irony in this?

I also hear the birds like never before. It's strange, as if I've never really listened to their songs. I feel transported to another world, one carefree and simple. I want to linger here for hours on end. Only too late do I discover this wonder. I feel more a fool than ever for my wasted life.

It's true, I showed my unclothed erection to Lady Onichi. Why is this so forbidden? Everyone acted as if the world would end. No true harm was done but men must live as prisoners of their body according to society. If I am not imprisoned like the others then their anger knows no bounds. The sentence for death from the chamberlain came immediately.

Will anyone read this scribe when I am dead? Will this paper be destroyed in the same anger that takes my life? That somehow seems more a loss than my useless life. I seem unable to stop these irrational acts, and yet on the other hand, sharing my body and wanting to survive don't feel that irrational. But certainly, somewhere, there is something wrong with me.

I must crouch lower. Two women are passing by. I will write down what they say, if anything. Here it is:

"I hope they catch that castle pervert. I just don't feel safe."

"Me either! My Obutada said he'd cut it off if he ever saw it out!"

The two women giggled. In this time of perfect clarity I could see their acting and role playing. They wished to be helpless heroines "saved" by their gallant husbands from my oh so dangerous penis. Had I heard this before I would have taken their words on face value and felt deep guilt and shame. I see now this is how they facilitate their sex so no wonder everyone wants my head cut off.

Wow, I can even hear the water from the castle stream. It's soothing beyond words. I've passed it each day for over a year on my way to clean the stables but never noticed its quiet calmness. Now that I've been condemned I find I want to live more than ever! Oh, that I could reverse time.

Bakana. The voices are getting angrier. "He must be somewhere! He's to be found before it gets dark! He will pay for this!" Waiting makes it worse yet in my weakness I still hesitate. Nature irresistibly calls me to join her in this wonderful Spring day. Of all the times to do that! Maybe Nature has always been calling me.

I'm in a twilight world between hopeless pain and the paradise of the planet. Before, living my life was a waste. But now losing it seems the waste! They will torture me for making them work so hard to find me. But I seek only to relax and nap in these sharp leafed bushes. If I am the bad man they say I am, the gods will strike me down for that. Let me rest and see.

Oishi, what a delicious sleep. Not only did the gods not strike me down, they blessed me with peace. So who is right: the gods or the men who pursue my death? I feel invigorated! I feel I will live forever! I wish to explore all the world, all the birds and streams and living things. I wish to give thanks for every day. What a time for me to decide to open up!

It is dark now and it seems they have given up for I see no torches. In the morning I must find the strength to face them. I wish to see one last dawn and take that with me to my grave. Whatever they might do to me for this delay, I will take a sense of peace I did not have previously. I will enter the void a better man.

It is afternoon the following day. I have been banished from the castle and the province. Our highly revered Lord returned from Edo last night and was told of my story. He's always been known as a "different" thinker and he thought my, uh, gesture to Lady Onichi to be a refreshing one and considered my act a better outcome than the rampant impregnation that goes on around the suffocating castle. Politically, I could not stay but my life has been spared.

I will treasure this chance and this fine paper that has been my only friend and confidante during the worst - and best - hours of my life never to forget. Maybe I can make something of myself, after all. I feel I've been put into a new world even if I face the same old woes of trying to find a woman who doesn't scream bloody murder every time I have a boner.