Happy New Fears

The ice is melting below my feet.

I still can't get well but that is to be expected.

Work is still terrifying. It's true I looked into the jaws of death last year at this time and the very most unexpected happened. And it's true I have lined up a way forward for the time being. But nothing dooms me like this "success". What would life have been had I not run away? I'm sure that's the source of my black dreams.

Life is beyond bleak. I must save the world in order to have meaning. The world cannot be saved. Can I save me in times like these? Money could give me a half-life. I need a whole life. I hate being alone.

Drudgery is for certain. Work breaks my heart, sucks the life out of my soul. I can't create for a living because I have no courage. Of course, I don't really know anything but what I guess.

I really miss girls. Debby was a whore. She betrayed love too. I'm the only person in the world she can tell that to. I'm also the last person in the world she'd ever talk to or believe she can talk to. But she whored herself out way better than I ever did. That makes me feel both proud and guilty.

Where is out? If I get the cash I need, what then? I can never get enough. Right now it's sleep first and ask questions later. But I need the right now money at the very least for that, who am I kidding? I pretend to be above it but it keeps me up at night.

I'm tired of the lying. But can the truth feed me? Maybe if I were not in my crippled state it could. How could I ever talk to Emily again?

Let me sleep in 2018. That would be victory.

Under A Rock

Everything I do
I do
For no reason

Every breath I take
I take
Without breathin'

Every time I feel
I feel
Empty greivin'

Cold ice-olation
Mildew
Beneath the rock

My only friend
The End
Departing death

A life ruined
In shame
Runs from the sane

Heart beats alone
Turns stone
Like rock above

Wishing it were over
No hope
Without a hand

No recovery
Sans fear
Of discovery

Claw reaches out
Steals life
From gods in the light

The creep underneath
Rotting
Conservatively

Never can get above
Starving
To having love.

So This Is Shitmas

Ho ! HO! ho!

i've been successful but am less enthused than ever. not real success, of course, just in lying. logistically, i need to lie to get by. i have maneuvered myself into position to do that. yippee. without death's promise of escape i'm more dead than ever, just trudging through the snow, going nowhere. i cannot defeat the money monster straight up. i can only defeat it as a byproduct of doing something i want.

and yet i am forced to grapple with it in losing battle as options of love are not open to me. the life force is draining out of me. it's like eating gruel day after day after day. what's there to give a shit about? always pretending. the man who dutifully shows up to work one day and blows his brains out. it's not then that he died.

how much have i cheated myself? a poor man doesn't make an offer on a ferrari. he believes he has nothing to offer. whether he does or doesn't, he feels deceived in each case.

so tired of this plate spinning. i want to get away. that takes funding i can't get. the whore bitch got her funding. i didn't get mine. irony is, hers doesn't mean anything unless shes uses it to help me. that's really fucking funny. she thinks she'll die if she helps me but truth is other way around. she can't even say my name. frozen in fear.

did i damage emily? i don't know what to think. she only wanted to be pen-pals. but i wanted to be friends. why would she care about someone she doesn't want to be physical friends with? how important could i be? i always thought of her as a long lost friend i finally met. how angry with me is she?

next year doesn't look good. bluffed my way through this one. i have to get these chains off me but have no say in that. i shall ask for the wisdom to do so because i am clearly lacking in that. then i can rest.

but i'd be resting in the middle of a desert, alone and empty as far as the eye can see.