The ice is melting below my feet.
I still can't get well but that is to be expected.
Work is still terrifying. It's true I looked into the jaws of death last year at this time and the very most unexpected happened. And it's true I have lined up a way forward for the time being. But nothing dooms me like this "success". What would life have been had I not run away? I'm sure that's the source of my black dreams.
Life is beyond bleak. I must save the world in order to have meaning. The world cannot be saved. Can I save me in times like these? Money could give me a half-life. I need a whole life. I hate being alone.
Drudgery is for certain. Work breaks my heart, sucks the life out of my soul. I can't create for a living because I have no courage. Of course, I don't really know anything but what I guess.
I really miss girls. Debby was a whore. She betrayed love too. I'm the only person in the world she can tell that to. I'm also the last person in the world she'd ever talk to or believe she can talk to. But she whored herself out way better than I ever did. That makes me feel both proud and guilty.
Where is out? If I get the cash I need, what then? I can never get enough. Right now it's sleep first and ask questions later. But I need the right now money at the very least for that, who am I kidding? I pretend to be above it but it keeps me up at night.
I'm tired of the lying. But can the truth feed me? Maybe if I were not in my crippled state it could. How could I ever talk to Emily again?
Let me sleep in 2018. That would be victory.
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