So This Is Shitmas

Ho ! HO! ho!

i've been successful but am less enthused than ever. not real success, of course, just in lying. logistically, i need to lie to get by. i have maneuvered myself into position to do that. yippee. without death's promise of escape i'm more dead than ever, just trudging through the snow, going nowhere. i cannot defeat the money monster straight up. i can only defeat it as a byproduct of doing something i want.

and yet i am forced to grapple with it in losing battle as options of love are not open to me. the life force is draining out of me. it's like eating gruel day after day after day. what's there to give a shit about? always pretending. the man who dutifully shows up to work one day and blows his brains out. it's not then that he died.

how much have i cheated myself? a poor man doesn't make an offer on a ferrari. he believes he has nothing to offer. whether he does or doesn't, he feels deceived in each case.

so tired of this plate spinning. i want to get away. that takes funding i can't get. the whore bitch got her funding. i didn't get mine. irony is, hers doesn't mean anything unless shes uses it to help me. that's really fucking funny. she thinks she'll die if she helps me but truth is other way around. she can't even say my name. frozen in fear.

did i damage emily? i don't know what to think. she only wanted to be pen-pals. but i wanted to be friends. why would she care about someone she doesn't want to be physical friends with? how important could i be? i always thought of her as a long lost friend i finally met. how angry with me is she?

next year doesn't look good. bluffed my way through this one. i have to get these chains off me but have no say in that. i shall ask for the wisdom to do so because i am clearly lacking in that. then i can rest.

but i'd be resting in the middle of a desert, alone and empty as far as the eye can see.