"Ah shit, my fly's open."
As a resident of Gotham City I do try to keep up with all things Gotham, especially when it comes to our favorite son, the Dark Knight. Casting Ben Affleck has caused quite a stir in the limited basement that is the comic book fanboy world. As in the comic series, he will be "tired and weary", a burned out bat. The opening scene goes something like this:
Batman sits on the grimy curb of a musty Gotham night. Wind blows trash down the street passed his scuffed bat boots. In his a hand, a 40 oz wrapped in brown paper bag. Behind him, a convenience store with heavily barred windows. All around is the smell of piss, beer and suicide. Inside, we hear a violent maniac shoot out the security camera then point a shotgun at a little old lady behind the counter.
Cut to the harsh fluorescent light of the store. We see the gunman's cruel face and apparent imminent demise of the store lady. Cut back to Batman taking a pitiable swig. We hear the gun go off and see the robber run out the store laughing. Batman belches. We never do see if the store lady was shot.
I said "Affleck" not "Aflac", you idiot!
WTF, Batman? What happened to you fixing the world for us? You have to! We certainly have no interest in it. We need some sucker with a martyr complex and an irrational vengeance streak to clean things up for us. Maybe we need a superhero who's a janitor!? Sweep up those bad guys so we can tuck in junior safely at night. Don't worry - I know getting a free ride from a superhero is what really sells the most.
So what can be done to stir up our caped crusader? Why it's that publicity hound Superman who gets him all riled up! (Seriously, that's why it's called Batman vs. Superman). Batman reads in the paper the next day it's Gotham's most notorious reporter/alien who nabs the convenience store gunman. Heck, it's Superman doing everything! Shaving commercials, best tables at all the exclusive restaurants, high-fiving Derek Jeter, Vanity Fair cover and even quarterbacking the Jets (until the league passes an "Earthlings only" rule after Superman goes undefeated for the season).
Batman is Johnny-on-the-spot during an elaborate hold up and when he sees Superman show up tries to aid in the capture of the criminals, only he fails miserably in his poor condition next to the magnificent, oh-so-perfect Man of Steel.
"Leap buildings in a single bound. Bullets bounce off you. X-ray vision and the breath of a hurricane. Guess we're going to have to register you as a lethal weapon," snarls Batman in exposed jealousy.
"Hey, you don't want to work together? Fine by me!"
"Got no choice. All washed up. God hates me."
"Know what? I hate you! So I guess we're both the fucked."
"No problem. I hate you back. Frickin' works for me."
Hey, whaddaya know! It's a buddy pic! Butch and Sundance, Riggs and Murtaugh, and now those two wisecracking superheroes: Bat- and Super- man! Yeehaw! But turns out there's one foe even the perfectly flossed Superman cannot defeat alone so Batman must get his act together. Can he do it? Can he be the crime fighting wonder he was once was? But of course, or the plot can't proceed!
In what sure is to be a crowd pleasing sequence, we see Batman in a lonely soul-searching wandering of Gotham's streets - both high and low - with "Hey Jude" playing over. Gradually, we see his body language change into a tentative resolve until, at the very end, we see a single black bat tear run down his cowl.
Hearing Triumph's "Lay it on the Line" we see a montage of scenes with Batman doing one-handed pushups (with Alfred sitting on top), chasing a chicken and finally early morning running up the Gotham steps followed by adoring children (whom we've seen spit on him earlier in the film) as he raises his hands in victory by a larger-than-life Batman statue - as the Triumph song dissolves into to the Rocky theme, of course. But as the camera pulls back we see the enemy that makes the crowd gasp in hopeless horror. An enemy never before defeated nor even thought possible to defeat: Wall Street.
Bite me, Batman!
Are there enough for-profit prisons to hold all the evil bankers? Will Batman be outwitted by a hedge fund manager? Will the Man Of Steel find himself leveraged like a risky derivative? Will this be an enemy they can even defeat in one picture?? Clearly, we have the formula here for the greatest Batman ever! Tune in to find out the answers to these questions and more as Hollywood continues its endless cavalcade of Heroes To Save World We Don't Want To Save Ourselves!
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